The Films

You know what makes an uninteresting and dumb movie better? The weirdest cum-strewn sex scene ever.

I'm sorry

Norwegian is such an interesting sounding language

In a movie full of sad and gross things, nothing is sadder and grosser than a blowjob out of financial obligation

An uncomfortable exploration of 19th century plastic surgery and fad diets

A good old-fashioned glimpse into mafia life filled with family, betrayal, and vengeance. Add a touch of racism and sexism and you have The Godfather!

Probs good for the time it came out, but doesn't really hold up. Gangsters and good music carry this one.

I never knew there were so many slurs for Italians!

Man this is a time capsule of a movie. To watch some of these performers before they become who they become was really a treat.

Never remake this. But...there should be a Clemenza spinoff.

Does it make me a rascist if I don't enjoy overly convoluted and massively long foreign films

A fun, ridiculous movie that's hindered by its 3 long hours

Indian people fighting the cunty British thru song, dance, tigers, and guns. Good times overall.

100% bonkers. What was this movie pitch like?

I did not expect it, but this was fucking awesome.

I found Jo vigorous and compelling, and the only sister worth watching. I suggest a rewrite: Little Woman.

Lots of yappin, but done pretty well honestly. Women are kind of nuts sometimes.

Ah, the good ol’ days when having one servant means you’re poor and just seeing a piece of pink pastry makes you dump your pants. But overall a pretty good movie.

Cute movie. Maybe thought it was almost over at one point and then had a nice little 45 minutes left. Lots of little shenanigans in privileged white people land.

Jo is what happens when you're queer in the 1860's and your only options are Timothee Chalomet or God.

I envied the dead child by the end of this film.

If you ever wanted to watch 4 bad early 90s comedies and 2 dramas about white people at the same time, enjoy Short Cuts I guess

I wish there was a short cut to this movie being over. Thinks it’s just so god damned clever. What the hell does this even mean. I don’t get it. Colossal waste of my time.

Released in 1993, the same year as The Real World: Los Angeles, this is the story of the dramatic lives of a bunch of shitty people living in LA who need therapy. Neat coincidence

I guess we don’t have to worry about the medflies anymore!?

Hey. I didn't really like that.

War sucks. The screaming in pain does not help. For a 90 minute movie, I wanted this to end pretty quickly.

Are you excited when someone unwraps their bandage to show you a gnarly wound? You’ll love this film!

Blood, guts, and guns: this movie has it all! Except if you’re hoping for anything else.

A whole lot of nothing and pointlessness is going on in this film. But I think that’s the point. It’s quite sad.

If Cleveland was a movie, this is it.

I liked Toby. Toby is the best. That’s it.

I wish I would have known anything about this person before watching. But I think I liked learning about this crazy man

A fun way to tell a boring story.

Jazz, neuroticism, comic books, and everyday life. And hey, man, it’s kinda alright.

It’s like that Thanksgiving dinner episode of The Bear but with grosser accents.

48 minutes of softcore porn; 90 more of a Cohen brothers movie. I don't know what it was trying to say.

One half pornographic music video and one half The Hangover in New York—it’s mostly unserious fun with a twist.

Lots of good things. And some fun things. If you can get thru the first hour, probs worth it.

If Mark gives this less than a 9 I will shit my pants

This is basically a 2 hour episode of Catholic Big Brother.

Spirited politicking and devoted acting, but in the end it blows smoke.

If this is how the conclave really goes, then this shit needs to be televised.

Finally, a catholic drama without pederasts and just a smidge of racism and a tadge of coverup. Very well done.

Stunningly beautiful, powerful script, and excellent acting. But it stumbles at the finish line.

An Oscar worthy bore fest that had me wanting to shove the guy out of the window in the first five minutes.

Lots of white people yapping about white people problems in the French Alps.

it feels weird to say “motherfucking” to a background of steel drum music.

A meditation on the nature of truth and what can be known. Like meditation, it went on much longer than was comfortable

I told him “if you play the steel drums version of P.I.M.P. one more time…” and then he looked me in the eye and pressed play, your honor.

Do you like the 15 second cut scenes in indie video games but wish they were 90 minutes? Well I've got the fuckin' movie for you.

Pretty unexciting for a movie about wet pussy

At some point in the future, capybara will be the answer to a trivia question that I almost remember thanks to this film.

Meow purrrr bark bark. Whatever a capybara says.

Oh! A pleasant reminder that dogs are the best communicators!

Too bad I had to wait over 2 hours for something to happen.

Chalamet? More like Chala-nae. It was fine.

I don't believe that armor was up to code.

Muddy at times, but I'd still take King Henry over Trump

Medieval slow-burn. There will be mud.

The incessant screaming at the end is basically how I felt through this whole film

Support the girls is the story where nobody learns any lessons and then screams alot. Plus boobs and jumping. I guess just like a hooters, but without the wings.

These girls do the best they can with what they’re given. The characters and the actresses.

Skimpy plot and clothes, not an awful time

The “Scary Movies” set the bar pretty high for Regina, and there’s no let down here!

light me up and put me out of my misery. By the end of it I could appreciate what it was doing but I deeply disagree with its message

Same old self-indulgent tale of a narcissist whining about his own success—but this one has a monkey doing cocaine

The entertaining musical numbers won’t keep you from seeing Williams as a slutty bitch.

Not bad, but why is he a goddamn monkey?

The monkey surprisingly works well for this cunty movie

2 plus hours of questions if I cared for anyone here

It's okay to wonder, after watching this film, if anything at all happened

Very stoic. Very busy.

A butler more afraid of having an emotion than he is of the Nazis

The story of one butler's mission to protect his housekeepers from gentlemen callers

Thanks, Jesse. I love feeling uncomfortable for an hour and a half.

It's like the Odd Couple! If the Odd Couple sucked and was about the Holocaust.

Jesse Eisenberg writes, directs, and stars as a character very much like Jesse Eisenberg. Hope you like Jesse Eisenberg!

A well acted movie of mismatched cousins that show that the people who talk to strangers at the airport are the worst kind of people.

I don’t know what to think about this movie. I felt manic watching it at times. For a movie that shouts about empathy at times. It really made me feel uncomfortable.

Save your time and go watch Robocop instead.

Too bad Mr. Weathers couldn't outrun this awful dialogue.

Watching a man get shot and knocked out of a high-rise window…then flail about while he’s on fire and plummeting to his death…until he falls through a glass ceiling and into a dining room…is highly underrated.

I've always wondered where the 'I'm a smart brute' trope came from. And now I know.

It's pretty much Die Hard. Same supporting cast, fun one-liners, but a quarter of the budget! And just not as good.

Is this the 1990s? I guess it's cool for petite 18 year old girls to wear men's quad-XL t-shirts again

90 minutes of youth-driven antics, love, and drama. How you feel about it may depend on the age of your ass

This movie is a delightful take on the growing seasonal drug tourism industry

These youngsters need to watch their god damned mouths

Welp, I guess I'm middle-aged because this movie got me right in my old ass

This movie really made me feel locked in my own head and it was terrifying.

This movie makes a strong case for madatory nursing homes. I'm just saying it would help a lot of things.

It’s unusually satisfying to be made so damn sad.

Like choose your own adventure stories? It's kinda like that but in reverse!

Incredible film. I don't ever want to see it again. I'm not sure I'm glad I did.

BISHH

AI girlfriends and boyfriends are sounding a lot more reasonable after watching this movie.

A fun ride! But what the hell is wrong with these people?

If you want to figure out how much crazy you'll put up with for some probably average sex, here you go.

Rug-pull after rug-pull, but I enjoyed the ride

If you want to be uncomfortable by a psuedo feminism film that has a bunch of ass shots, here ya go.

Absolutely gratuitous.

The Substance! Coughing up tits one at a time!

The second dose of the substance worked, and Monstro Elisasue was the best version of herself.

I really enjoyed what this said about beauty and self reflection. I would watch this a few more times, and not just because of the gratuitous nudity.

Close your god damned mouth in the swimming pool you fucking boring mouth breather.

My favorite part of this movie was the brief glimpse into what the PE program in rural Sweden is like.

If that kid keeps opening his mouth like that while in the pool, I'll hold him under for 3 minutes.

A visually impressive but uncomfortably slow adaptation with a Sweedishly frigid, awkward script and a hilarious cat attack scene.

A cold-blooded love story that makes you uncomfortable in a good way.